Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
You Might Also Like
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
That eye roll….
Human are so complicated
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
my sentiments exactly
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job