Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
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I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
Omg 🤣
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.