ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
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enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
it was a valiant fight
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.