My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
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My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.