SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
You Might Also Like
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.