Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
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this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
Social distancing in Australia:
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.