Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
You Might Also Like
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
Finally! 😈
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?