Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
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“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most