Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
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I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
Boss: In what ways have you grown or matured in the year you have been here?
Me, glancing at the hidden notebook detailing my 36 point revenge plot against another department: By learning how to let things go
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
So true for me
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket