No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
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I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-