[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
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If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will