Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
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Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
look at me when i’m typing to you
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.