DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
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Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”