One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
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Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!