A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
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Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients