Eggs are just drums you can only play once
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“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”