Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
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Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
Thanks to a fan for this one.
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.