My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
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[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.