[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
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I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored