Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
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I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
(Electricians.)
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.