My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
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Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?