*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
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Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
My first child will be named New Folder.
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!