Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
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ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car