[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
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I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!