In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
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My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
Go girl power!
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.