[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
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I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.