Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
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Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
love it when they get my name right
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
What in the hipster hell is going on here
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
Traveler’s camo
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”