If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
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Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
“TGIM!” – My liver
*pokes sex life with a stick
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
*jazz hands*
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same