Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
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Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
My wife has the worst taste in men.
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
Bout to have the best sleep of my life