I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
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Always leave the cult better than you found it.
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!