GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
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thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
put ‘er there pardner!
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.