Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
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[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
channeling her this year
I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”