“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
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4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.