My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
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Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
Had an epiphany today.
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.