me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
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ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!