I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
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going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
In Canada they just call them geese
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do