doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
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Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.