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Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
how was your vacation
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you