found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
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“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension