I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
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I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.