why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
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Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
Admin smashed it 😂
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.