I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
You Might Also Like
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
my lower back watching me try to live my life
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.