I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
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Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
Got ya covered
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
Confused owl: What?!
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up