Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
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Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
New favorite tiktok
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options