therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
You Might Also Like
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.