Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
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My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
dads on road-trips be like
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
#Caturday
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’