When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
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Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
I ordered a hamburger today, but what I got was more of a beef wafer.
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
Meow
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
Perfect