[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
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I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: whatās it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: thatās him
My friendās company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
I saw a TV for sale for only Ā£1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
Canāt. Iām busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs ācricket styleā which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then justā¦ rubbing them together. Like a cricket
my roommateās been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her itās a fake plant
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. š
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
So, itās OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my loveā, but I say it once and have to see HR?
Itās not like I knew my fly was open!
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? š¬
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a ātoastā and i almost started crying)
Iām sorry, Iām going to have to cancel, Iām completely snowed in
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if Iād like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said āthe show is about to begin,ā hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and Iād have to leave.
I had to explain to my 5yo that heās not allowed to ākaboomā the baby
Iām not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows Iāve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesnāt even bother getting up to greet me
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.