Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
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My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
“No way.” -Jose
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
Spring cleaning checklist…
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
I drew y’all a little something.