Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
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That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
What fresh Hell is this?!?
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.